I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
