When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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