another moral hangover. fuck.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
