just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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