Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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