So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
