I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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