dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
