Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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