Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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