I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
