I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
