____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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