i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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