I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize