I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
