saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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