going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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