how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize