a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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