I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
