I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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