Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm getting married
To pizza
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
