I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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