I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
