well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
