a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
