Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
