What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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