we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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