he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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