at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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