I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
