the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
