im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My vagina just recognized that song.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
