Moan for me like Helen Keller
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
