in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
