you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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