I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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