he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
sex in a hospital.. check
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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