i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
