Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
