Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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