70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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