i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
