i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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