i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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