i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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