this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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