mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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