she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
