Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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