mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
