i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
