you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
