I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
