My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
