The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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