What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
