I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
