From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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